Tuesday night was bad. Bryce is in a lot of pain now, and it’s throughout his body. Each new day brings more pain, and it was fairly severe during the first night at LDS hospital. The nurses weren’t very good about controlling the pain, because Bryce’s tolerance for pain medication is incredibly high. Large doses of painkillers are the only way to take the edge off, and pain elimination requires doses unlike any these nurses have administered. He is on about six medications to control pain and anxiety. One side effect of the medication is drowsiness,which causes Bryce to sleep about 21 hours per day. Unfortunately, my reaction to stress is insomnia. I haven’t slept since Monday. After staying up all Tuesday night at the hospital watching Bryce writhe, I was hoping for some good news to calm our frazzled nerves.
Dr. Frame, our new oncologist, came in at 7 a.m. to consult with us. He is a very straightforward and kind man, who didn’t beat around the bush. With tears in his eyes, he said, “I have gone over all the scans and records, and I’m sorry to say that the chemo you had in Denver just isn’t working. I haven’t seen this much cancer in one person in a very long time. We can be optimistic and hope that you’ll see Christmas, but it’s not likely. Thanksgiving probably isn’t likely either. The tumor on your heart (which we have named Larry--it has nothing to do with you, Larry G.—or any other Larry) is squashing your heart flat, and there are hundreds more that can break through a blood vessel at any time. I’m just so, so sorry.” He wondered whether we even wanted to subject Bryce to another round of chemotherapy. Rather than making Bryce unnecessarily sick, he suggested going home and hiring a hospice nurse to ease the “transition”.
Would taking his suggestion mean giving up? Bryce is only 33, has a 7 month-old baby, a happy marriage, and was very healthy until one month ago. He has battled some incredible demons, and managed to pull his life out of a downward spiral. Now he has beat the odds and made his life wonderful. He has everything going for him. We don’t want to quit, and that means fighting this monster until his last breath. I can’t—I WON’T—let this disease take him from me until I have exhausted every option, however farfetched it may be. I need this man. Dani needs her daddy. I love him so much.
Dr. Frame is willing to do whatever we want, so he planned to start the chemo on Thursday, the 16th. The large mass on Bryce’s back is causing him a great deal of pain, especially since he is on his back all the time. Dad suggested having Dr. Watson, the radiation oncologist, check it out and possibly radiate it if it is indeed a tumor. Although radiation to the heart is extremely dangerous, he suggested looking into radiating Larry also. The benefits may outweigh the risks. Dr. Watson met with us and decided to radiate the back and the heart, despite the danger.
The plan for Thursday is to get radiation in the morning, receive a blood transfusion in preparation for chemotherapy, and start the chemo.
I’m terrified.
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24 comments:
T. Fight it.
Keep up the fight.
Fight a good fight.
Finish your course.
R
Negative comments like the previous anonymous comment have NO place on this site, seeing as this is a place for hope, love and words of encouragement during such a trying time. Tammy, we all agree that you're doing everything perfectly. Doing EVERYTHING possible until every option is exhausted. That's the best way. You are strong and smart and I've always looked up to you and your incredible strength. You're not a quitter and neither is Bryce. I'm proud of you guys for fighting so hard. We love you guys (including Dani!), so much!!
Tammy, please pardon me for a minute while I speak to the "anonymous" coward who left the comment above: You need to get your manners in check. This woman has been through hell and you are not only telling her that her decision to fight is wrong but also telling her that making every effort to save her husband is a waste? Where do you get off? I'm sorry but you need to keep your feelings and opinions to yourself and if you don't like what they are choosing for themselves and their family then you can just stop reading the blog. But as for the rest of us who are hoping and praying and sending all our best hopes and wishes for Bryce and Tammy and baby Dani and all who love them, we don't need your negativity.
Tammy,
Hang in there. I admire your strength. Please take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating and trying to get some sleep. You need to have a clear head and the strength to care for Bryce and Dani. I wish there was something I could do for you. I am so angry that this person has been mean to you that I could just scream right now. You are so blessed- let the Lord take it from here.
All my love,
Jamie
The prayers are sure continuing for you, Bryce and all your family! You have already beat some astounding odds. What you are going through, no one should have to go through- but you are doing it and your strength and optimism is so amazing! We are all hoping, wishing and praying for every success.
All my hopes and positive thoughts are with you and your decision to continue fighting. You will have the peace of mind that you tried everything you could and my hopes are that it will be successful.
I wish there was more I could do to help.
I don't find Anonymous #1's comment as "mean" or "cowardly."
I think Anon#1 is speaking compassionately when it seems obvious that poor Bryce is suffering with his horrible cancer that seems to not be going away, rather is tragically spreading. The doctors aren't saying anything different it seems.
I suspect that Anon#1 feels as I do that it maybe quality time with each other would be a better use of your limited time together, and would be perhaps kinder to him vs. the pain and hell and torture of procedures that cause Bryce to feel sick and sleep 21 hours a day. I don't know. I also fully understand the need to fight and hope for a miracle.
You two have the toughest decision of all, that only you can make together: to honestly and openly consider if the fight is worth the possibility that your final weeks together will be spent with Bryce too sick to be awake and saying and doing the things he may want to before he moves on.
I truly wish you comfort and strength, Bryce and Tammy. This must the the worst hell imaginable.
Brown Family:
Our prayers are with your family, you have been through so much over the last few years its heartbreaking to see you going through this, I wish you guys to have the comfort of the lord with you at all times while you are going through such a great trial, it great that you are always refering to Dani as a source of light she truly is a child of God and gives you a reminder that there is hope. We love you!
Nick, Ashlan, Kennadee, & Ryker!
Tammy and Bryce,
All my love for you. Words can't express what I'm thinking or feeling. I am so impressed with the army of support that the two of you have. I love what Reed & Greg said. Keep on fighting.
~Christy
Steff said...
Negative comments like the previous anonymous comment have NO place on this site, seeing as this is a place for hope, love and words of encouragement during such a trying time
I agree, but people need to be realistic too and I would want my husband to spend the remainder of his time not suffering anymore than he has. You can hope and dream all you want, but facts need to be faced and I would want the most quality time I had left with my family wouldn't you? This is so very sad.
Anonymous2 said...
I don't find Anonymous #1's comment as "mean" or "cowardly."
I think Anon#1 is speaking compassionately when it seems obvious that poor Bryce is suffering with his horrible cancer that seems to not be going away, rather is tragically spreading. The doctors aren't saying anything different it seems.
I suspect that Anon#1 feels as I do that it maybe quality time with each other would be a better use of your limited time together, and would be perhaps kinder to him vs. the pain and hell and torture of procedures that cause Bryce to feel sick and sleep 21 hours a day. I don't know. I also fully understand the need to fight and hope for a miracle.
Agreed. That person sure was defensive weren't they? From what I read, the doctors say he doesn't really have a chance, so why fight it with more agony for the poor guy? Let him enjoy his time left with his family. sheesh!!!
Tammy: From hymn: MASTER THE TEMPEST IS RAGING
"The wind and the waves obey thy will. Peace be still. Peace be still."
And for everyone taking the liberty to use Tammy and Bryce's situation to banter back and forth. Just be silent and watch what this family is capable of. It's about fighting a good fight and finishing the course.
Christ didn't get off the cross to enjoy a little more time with those at his feet. He fought a good fight. He finished his course. And that is why generations call him blessed.
Keep swinging. We're in the battle with you!
As I told you earlier my husband is also Stage 4. He isn't at the point Byrce is, but it will come soon. We will fight with every ounce of breath we have. He like Bryce wants to see his 15 year and our grandchildren grow up. Tammy and Bryce, keep fighting. My prayers will continue for your family. If love helps in anyway, then you will make it, just like Keith and I. I am sending you a big hug and positive thoughts always.
I'm sorry, but I thought this was dedicated to showing love and support. It is my hope that anyone posting comments, sending letters, or whatever, are keeping in mind what this family is going through every second of every day. Don't post anything here that you wouldn't have the courage to say to anyone's face (anonymously, of course).
Tammy and Bryce- Whatever YOU choose to do is the right decision. Period. You will get the full support from your family and your true friends on that. Until cancer becomes less of a question mark, the best decision on what to do about it is the one YOU make. Don't even acknowledge anything but the love and support that you get We love you.
-Dave
Tammy- I know that Dave has been doing the emails and talking with you. But, I wanted to let you know that I think you are amazing for how you are dealing with all of this. We love you!
Carrie
Until you have walked in someone's shoes - judge not. Unfortunately with stage 4 melanoma, as with most stage 4 cancers, there is no simple "right" answer. These two brave souls will make the right decisions for themselves, and they will be at peace. May God bless.
tammy, my heart goes out to you guys so much. i've been keeping you in my thoughts. you know i'm not much of a praying person . . . but i've still been hoping and praying and sending so many good vibes your way. remember shantel?? she didn't get the mass e-mail holly sent out, but i told her about you guys. she is praying for you guys with all her heart, too. we love you!!
keep fighting!!
thy
We love you guys!
Tammy,
Know that I am thinking about you and Bryce and praying for you both!!!
Love,
Christine U
Tammy and Bryce,
This may shock you as I am usually a very outspoken person, but it has always been hard for me to put my deepest thoughts and feelings into words. That is why I have been silent on this blog until now. Phone calls just seem to work better for me. Forgive me if I ramble on and on. The other night as you and I were talking, I don't know if you could tell that I was crying with you. I don't usually cry over much so that is how I know how much this is impacting me. You have both been a ray of light in a sometimes dark and dreary world. Tammy has pulled me through so many rough spots where I was ready to just throw my hands up in the air and quit. I thank you both for being such good friends. I truly cherish the blessing of even knowing you.
I lost my mother at age 16 and watched this wreched disease eat my sister alive until she passed christmas of '98. It was with love that we released her spirit to our Heavenly Father. I only mention that so that the "Anonymous" readers might give respect and validity to what I say. I have somewhat been there.
I can never wholy understand what you are facing and dealing with. I had a dream once that Teri had passed away in in an accident and I woke up bawling like a baby. That's right! Mikey's really a big boob. I can't even imagine what you are going through. But the fact that you are choosing to fight inspires me. You always have inspired me. You are absolutely two of the coolest people I have ever had the privelege to know.
Now! I really liked what was said above about The Savior jumping off of the cross early. I also am reminded of two things that have always pulled me through. The first goes back to my days in High school football. A picture in the locker room was kind of a famous one with the frog in the stork's mouth but with his hands around the stork's neck. It quoted Winston Churchill "Never give in. Never, Never, Never!" You are like that frog. Don't let go of that throat. The other is taken as an example from Joseph Smith. He knew he would ultimately be killed, but he never stopped fighting back when he was attacked. I beleive that helped to preserve him so as that he could do more of the Lord's work. Even when he wen't to Carthage, and made the statement about going like a lamb to the slaughter, he still had a pistol in the jail cell and again tried to fight back when he was over taken. We all have an appointment with the Fat Lady at some point. But I feel that we do have somewhat of a say in when. It doesn't mean we can't duck tape her to a chair in the basement. Therefore I say FIGHT! Miracles can still happen when the clock reads 00:00. You have so many around you that support you and are behind you both all the way. It is your decision as to how to do this. There is no "right" way. Go with your heart and know that ours will go with you. Keep the hope. Don't give in to dispair. I hope that you can feel all the love around you. Amazingly it is the power of love through which our Havenly Father uses his priesthood. Love is power. We love you guys so much. Teri and I are here for you.
Now that I have rambled on and on. Let me say one more thing to the Anonymous cowards. I don't know who you are, and I don't care who you are. This is no place to throw around your gloom and "I told you so's" and I rebuke you for that. I still can't believe you would say that. Is your heart ten sizes too small? Were you not hugged enough as a kid? If you want to be negative to me and pick on me, fine! I welcome it. But you leave my friends alone. What they are dealing with is hard enough. When hope is all you've got the last thing you need is somebody kicking you when you are down. It is classless and imature. You may call it reality, but I call it uncalled for and unwelcome. I would implore you to ask the forgiveness of all those you have offended here.
Tammy, Bryce, and family, I will be here for you in any way I can. You are and will be continually in my prayers.
Love- Mikey
Well said Mikey!! I don't know you but I like you already. I echo your second to last paragraph with all my heart. We all need to be positive and hopeful for Bryce because miracles DO happen.
Tammy and Bryce,
I don't mean to offend you with my words, nor do I mean to offend your friends and loved ones. I fully understand that miracles are wished for and I hope for one for you as well.
It's horrific to have to face our mortality at such a young age and in such a horribly cruel and senseless and painful way. I hope you are able to have a quality life together, for however long you are blessed to do so. Many people never find true love as you two have, and you are extremely lucky to have that with each other - it's the best gift life gives. It's also something you will always have, no matter what happens.
One time in Relief Society, my friend Lindsay, whose sister-in-law in our ward was bravely battling cancer but whose cancer was back with little hope of recovery, got up and gave the most beautiful testimony I've ever heard. In it she said that she wished that her SIL's loving family members and friends would accept her SIL's wish to stop fighting it - she wanted to return home to her Heavenly Father and was not afraid. She had been fighting her cancer for so long, and was hanging on and suffering in excruciating pain because she knew how hard her death would be for her family who kept begging her to fight and stay with them. Lindsay stood there with watery eyes and said, "I just want my SIL to know that it's OK to go home. It's OK to let go. I love you enough to say that it's OK if you need to stop fighting so hard. Nobody should have to suffer the way you are right now. It's OK."
I have never been so touched by any testimony as when she said those words with selfless love to her SIL. It was truly said out of love, no different than my words here to Bryce and Tammy. I feel so much for you both, and wanted you to know that no matter what you choose, it's OK.
Well...I have a strong opinion on this and I think it would help you if I shared it. My sister was newly diagnosed with MM (Stage III). When she found out, I discussed it with her and she said that she had to do whatever she could...had to fight...had to try because she has children (16 and 19). Her children are not as young as yours but I still agree with her.
When we become parents, our obligation is no longer purely to ourselves but to our children. One of our responsibilities is to live the best life that we can for as long as we can, so that we can teach our children how to live by example. In situations like this, we have to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to try to extend our lives for our child. You want to be there for as long as you can to help support them (mentally) in the good times and bad.
So, if Byrce had no children then he could say.."Forget the treatment," but the day that he became a parent, it was no longer about him. He is doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to be there for his child. It's the right thing to do.
Bless you both. Hoping and praying for a miracle.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Bryce. Tammy - I do not even know you yet your Blog has touched me.
I am a fellow melanoma warrior and my thoughts and prayers are with you both.
FIGHT!
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